and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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