So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
bring money and cleavage
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
