My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize