As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
