I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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