My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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