Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Randomize
