I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
