I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
