I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
