And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
