I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
