he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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