Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
