You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
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