Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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