Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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