Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Four minutes until I can fart!
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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