Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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