"it" just moved
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
