I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
