the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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