she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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