Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize