never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
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