Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
