A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
be right there i have to get my cape
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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