I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
