The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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