We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
we have officially lost it.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
