I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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