Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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