If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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