Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Boobs speak an international language.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
