having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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