I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
my shit smells like andre
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
