i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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