but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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