wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
