god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
