i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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