God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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