We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
