If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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