Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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