he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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