Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
