so let's talk penis.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
