Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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