omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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