so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
