my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
