It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
