My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
