Your face is a jimmy john
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
