Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
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