drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
