I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
