Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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