You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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