i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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