last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize